4:19AM. today, i am hung over. yesterday, i reached out to k, she was in a work meeting. makes me sad. i don't want to text. call me. i feel utterly incapable of reaching out in any sensible way. i want you back in my life. my fault for being distant. it shouldn't be this way...
sorry for behaving the way i do. i deeply feel as if i've hurt you. i know you love me. i am unable to feel compassion for myself. why do i punish myself as i do?
you're on vacation somewhere sunny right now. checked the weather, and it's -19F today. i feel left out. funny, when i say "i feel", do i really? yeah. i do. sometimes i wonder if you ever really think of your family. whenever we speak, it feels so performative. i've never really asked you for all that much. do you spite me?
this hangover kinda sucks. it's not like i'm brutally sick or anything like that. at least i'm not gonna puke this time. maybe i will, i don't know. i should at least. i think i'd feel better if i did. i've been drinking too much. milo said i may be an alcoholic. buddy might be right. i'm gonna stop drinking. i feel like a liar just saying that to myself.
i was thinking of felix the other day. wonder what she's up to. hope her life is better now than it was when i left. it probably is. she wouldn't want to talk ever. don't know why i ever think about her. something nice about walking to the grocery, or going to the pet store. humble servant.
today, i am going to go grocery shopping. i need to buy some cleaning products, and some food. i want to make some spicy chicken tacos. i will need to buy i slow cooker. i have never personally owned a slow cooker. i hope it's as easy to cook with one as people online make it out to be. maybe i'll make food and drive into the city to share with k. would be a nice reintroduction. i want to give her a hug.
that's it for now. love you. bye.